Tales From The Cranium

Posted: 17.05.06 in Blogging

Sometimes I wish I could have ten minutes in which to tell someone everything I want to get off my chest, and after that time, this person would forget everything I had to say. Or indeed, it would be good if there was someone in exactly the same situations as myself, who I could talk to, would understand, and respect the intimacy of it.

It annoys me that I have to keep so much secret. I feel so repressed. This isn’t really anyone’s fault – or indeed their problem – it’s just the way it has to be. As such, I am scared for the future. I envisage that very soon – within the next two years – my world is going to fall apart. There is nothing I can do to avoid it, and what is more, I don’t think people can really comprehend the situations I am in unless they were experiencing them themselves.

I am not sure what I can do. I don’t want to jack everything in, which would be the easy way out. My future lies in what I am doing, but the consequences of it could be disastrous. I have had to make a similar decision before, and while things are peaceful now, I am deeply angry inside for being forced to make it. I will have a similar choice soon for a more important decision to make, and I have to reverse my decision, if you will. But there will be fireworks. And fireworks can kill.

Sorry about the vagueness of this post, but this is the kind of dark my mind is. It is like the red dot on Jupiter. It’s a storm that has been there for God knows how long, and no prospect of it clearing. It’s probably an acid cloud too, which perhaps represents the bitterness in my mind. Aww man, what to do?!

  1. wl says:

    I don’t want to make your blog a place full of complaints, but I would like to use my experience to demonstrate it’s not just you; I believe lots of people are experiencing the same, but it’s just that they don’t tell. I’ve never told anyone what I’m going to say before. I’ve mentioned I moved onto campus recently. Why? It’s because I want to be as far away as I can from this one girl living at my previous address. She came to me every night and would start with something like ‘I tell you this cause we’re friends, and keep it between us’ (this puts me at a quite difficult position, for it feels like she trusts me so that I can’t turn her away, and to be honest, I’m not good at turning people away.), then she went on to say bad things behind people’s backs. I used to think I can handle this – just forget about what she says. But the fact that I SPEND EVERY NIGHT LISTENING TO SOMEONE TALKING RUBBISH upset myself. RIDICULOUS! I surely could have done anything better than that — always tell myself this every night after her departure. At the same time, if you know more, you need to be much more careful about what you say. When talking with my other friends, I have to remind myself which part is from ‘her secret talks’ and try to avoid mentioning it. Really,too tired to live like this — no relaxation of the brain. I finally realized it’s a vicious circle. Out of sight, out of mind. I must move and I did. In fact, it’s a tough decision to make. I’ve just accustomed myself to the environment and I’ve got to create a reason for my leaving. Most importantly, I have to pay a hell of a lot of money for this decision. But on the other hand, life is much better now. At least I’ve got my peace during the night. I’ve also got a bonus: I can see the rising of the sun in the morning around 5 o’clock from my room which faces the east and located on the 12th floor (high enough). I couldn’t from my previous one. So,haha,good decision. I guess, try to change the topic if you can when a specific person becomes the focus of the conversation (unfortunately, I can’t manage to do that with her). I prefer to get myself as less involved as possible when a specific person is mentioned. Since I can’t manage to do it with someone, I choose to get less involved with them. I think generally this is doable. Sorry for taking up so much space.

  2. Steve says:

    I’m not saying my situation is unique, but it’s not common either. Rather few of my friends are in the same situation. In fact, for most people, the problem I have might seem trivial. But the outcome would result in a huge argument, people being upset and people who wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me again.

    By the way, seeing as you are a regular now (wow I have one!) you can take as much space as you like! 😉

  3. wl says:

    Hehe, without knowing what was going on exactly (I’m not hinting I want to know, and by saying so I don’t mean it’s not worth knowing,oh god, so complicated,), now I think I really get confused about your situation. But do hope everything goes well and you feel better! 🙂 PS: I had tried to refresh this page before got the comment posted and the result was that it’s gone, but lukily I had copied it. Oh, and thanks for the generosity!

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